It’s the climb.

From what feels like the very bottom of everything. It’s really hard to know how to control my actions, my feelings and my words. I know how I’m meant to behave, but it never seems to work the way I’ve planned out.

I’ve tried really hard the last few days to stay calm, breathe, explain how I feel instead of getting angry and spiteful. It’s worked, I’m just scared that when I go home tomorrow it will go back to how it was before the weekend. I realise when I’m about to get angry, and then I have what feels like a panic attack. I can’t breathe, I get dizzy and I feel like my heart’s going to explode. I can’t win with myself.

I’m not one to change so quickly. I’ve looked into seeing someone though, a counsellor or someone who can help me. It’s taken a long time to get it sorted, but I’m hoping by next week it’ll be underway. It seems like such a huge sign of weakness. To have to give in and admit you need help. But when it gets to the point that you’re starting to hurt people around you, something needs to be done.

It will be okay

I’m spending my morning on Oxford Street today, and despite being insanely poor, I need to treat myself to something.

To anyone still reading, thank you.

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